"Never Alone," by Caitlin Ferland

It was colder than usual. Much colder actually. I was sitting in my favorite spot, right by the heater and far from the window. “Always cold” my wife would say, “cold and paranoid”, God she could push my buttons. Anyway, it was 70 degrees out, and 72 indoors according to the thermostat. I felt the goose pimples and I swear I even saw my breath briefly.
My thoughts went right to Max. Maybe he was in the room with me? You know how all those nutty psychics say the room gets cold when a ghost enters the room or some shit like that. I was in so much pain for so long that I would believe just about anything. Anything that would mean he was ok.
I stood up from my chair and grabbed the throw from the couch, wrapped it around myself. I looked around the room, behind the couch and behind the TV.
Nothing. Just like how i felt about my life, Nothing. Ive got a 2 bedroom apartment at 78 yrs old, a wife who cant stand me and the only one who loved me just died.
Max was an Amazing cat. He would look up with hopeful eyes anytime I made a noise. Making sure I wasn’t getting up and if I did, so did he. Only if he was really tired would he stay in place and talk to me as I told him it was time to move. “Let’s go stinky pants”, “meooow”. “Come on now lazy bones”. Max would squint his eyes and yawn, Loosing interest, or feigning loosing interest, as I knew he would soon give in and follow. I would go downstairs to the bedroom and hear my wife say “He’s staring at the stairs, making sure you’re not coming back up. I swear that cat is just like a dog.”
Rarely would I come and get him, knowing I would never sleep without him. Tears spilled out as I remembered how much comfort Max would bring me, and I remembered that he wasn’t coming back. I made a quiet tisking sound as I walked around the room, aware that if my wife heard me I would never hear the end of it. “Now I’m calling the white coats Charlie, you know hallucination is a sign of the crazies”. God I hate that bitch!
Max never judged me. Never said a word and that’s just the way I liked it. He just sat there and listened. He’d squint his eyes and begin to purr, like he knew it was time help me process. I read once that the vibrations from purring would help an injured cat heal if it was hurt. Well I think Max healed me all the time. When I would meditate he would sit at my feet like he needed whatever energy I was drawing in. I remember the first time I meditated and when I opened my eyes Max was sitting right up close to my face. I thought he was just confused about what I was doing but the more I thought about it I figure he was probably thinking something like ”its about time, Dummy”.
Cats are the most spiritual beings I ever met, and if anything is making it to the other side its them. I believe that to my core.
I went back to my chair and wiped away the tears, wondering how many tears a human could actually make before dehydration killed them. Oh Max, what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to go on?
I hadn’t meditated since his death , hadn’t even thought of it really. But now I did, like it was planted in my head, kinda weird like. Like when you smell something and it brings up a childhood memory, or you have deja vu. Anyway i closed my eyes and began my mantra, letting the thoughts of Max come and go, wrapping the blanket closer but feeling no warmer.
All of a sudden I felt a vibration go through my arms, not like the tingling I’ve felt many times before in meditation but a vibration kinda like a purr. It got stronger with my inhales and weaker as i breathed out. I knew it was him, had to be. I let the tears fall, tears of joy that pooled over my lips and fell in my lap. My lap that Max used to love. The vibrations began to warm my body and i felt like he was here with me. Really Here With Me.
I slowly loosened the blanket, becoming too warm but not opening my eyes as I was afraid the vibrations would cease. My mantra became a resounding Thank you, thank you ,thank you , thank you.
All I remember after that was my wife coming in the room and saying “boy, I guess you were tired”, “you slept 2 hrs Charlie”.
I woke feeling like a new man. Like i could even take a walk or listen to the wife without wanting to leave the room as soon as humanly possible.
I don’t know what that was that day nor do I want to try to figure it out. But what I do know is that I am never alone, especially when I feel I will die from loneliness. Max is with me, and I will continue to meditate, I’m sure he’d want me to. That meditation saved my life.