"Closer to Myself," by Yoda Olinyk

I'm getting closer 

to good health,

to financial freedom, 

to all the promises—

but somehow I don't feel 

sane. My addiction

counselor says I'm in 

the maintenance stage 

and doesn't she know 

that maintaining my sobriety 

is scarier than literally anything 

I've ever done and I've done 

some crazy scary shit. I heard 

in a meeting last week 

that in sobriety, we have to find 

a way to feel comfortable 

with the middle ground—

when we are just a regular human 

waiting patiently in line 

at the grocery store 

to buy our 12-seed-bread

and not hiding out 

in the back seat of a stranger's 

car after stealing someone's 

wallet from a party we weren't 

even invited to. It's in the middle 

where we find serenity— not in the ups

or downs of the roller coaster life we knew.

In that middle, that maintenance stage,

it feels like 

I've flatlined.

I can barely remember the rush 

that used to keep me alive. 

I'm getting farther from that 

old version which means 

I'm getting closer to everything else.

Closer to myself 

and can you think of anything 

more terrifying?